Often I’ve thought that my histamine intolerance and the other physical symptoms of (peri)menopause are not as bad as some of the psychological ones. Sometimes, suffering from a restless soul seems much worse than suffering from hives.
Restlessness overtakes me without warning. I wake up feeling as if my brain were placed in someone else’s body; as if I went to bed as one person and woke up as another. Some sort of transformation of thought and emotion occurred over night and my body is shot through with restless energy. It makes me feel like my body is not my own.
I am suddenly profoundly bored with every aspect of my life. One day life is great and the next day it’s all wrong. And it’s not depression. I know what depression is. It’s not the same feeling. For example, the other day I spent two hours of my planning period at school thinking about how bored I was and plotting my next career move. I thought about how my clothes were wrong, my purse was ugly, my shoes looked funny…although I was having a good hair day…but whose eyes did I wake up with that morning?
Even my dreams seem to reflect the idea of escaping from my boredom. I dreamt that I was standing on a curb at the intersection of a street. There were thousands of people standing with me, and thousands traveling in a wave in front of me. I was standing with my friends when I decided to step off the curb and walk away into the crowd. I was swept up into the moment and followed the mass of people until they disappeared into the darkness. I kept walking, following behind an older couple, up a hill and into a quaint courtyard. But there was a gate and I could go no further, so I decided to go back to be with the people I left. I didn’t know the city I was in and getting back to where I was seemed impossible. I woke up before I’d gotten back to my friends.
Funny thing is I woke up thinking it seemed unfair that I tried to make my way back to my life. I wished I decided to do something with reckless abandon even if in just a dream.
I guess this restlessness has always been inside me. When I was younger and unhappy in my job, I’d fantasize about walking away from my life. Now, during these restless periods, when the feeling is intensified, I think some day I might. But like the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are, so what good would it do? I’d be restless in a new place.
Ultimately, I only have to wait a few days until the feeling passes and the restlessness abates and I feel like myself in my own body again. Unfortunately, before it passes, it’s uncomfortable and trying. And I’m afraid I don’t have a supplement I can take for it.
So Tuesday I was somebody else but by Friday I was myself again. Seriously, I’m surprised the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde wasn’t written by a woman going through menopause.
In a nutshell, fluctuating hormones can wreak havoc on many facets of your life, even your restless soul.